Abatement
interest for you has not entered the smallest form of abatement to pass,
there’s nothing in this world i wouldn’t hold you highest for –
when i think of time and space, that’s where thoughts of you are cast,
and nothing else matters……
why is it that when the mist lays the ground so clear,
visions of my love make way close to my eyes so calm –
countenance i find such impending love, gaining near,
this event is insignificant…..
Reversing to Positive, Exposing the Negatives…
Aside from the great revelations of self-preservation and new methods of digesting some of the most toxic elements of human inflicted emotional injury, I’ve realized that because of my husband and my marital resentment, heartache and sheer exhaustion in the day-to-day Parade of Insanity we both chose to walk, in a not so melodious barrage of music making and unison, we were, in fact offending all innocent parties in the crowd as well as our comrades in the slowly-dying society of happy couples marching everywhere. We had inflicted pain, concern and worry on many souls other than just ourselves.
While I’m sure some of them would welcome the physical effects of our distraught lives: like losing a good sixteen pounds – I seriously doubt any of them would envy our heartache, hair loss, sleepless nights, emotional blame, guilt, and the never-ending who did what to who.
So, in an effort to repair that hurt, even if only for myself, I plug away each night in this method of healing: an antiseptic to the wounds, if you will. Be assured, it’s going to sting and let’s face it, you’ll curse the sheer existence of the source, but what else is new? With the shock, disbelief, insult and maybe even offence to your and my own existence, somehow I still end up feeling better, and it just gets more entertaining for me.
Ah, but then, the most therapeutic element known to the human body: laughter. The ever restorative and cleansing reaction from simply laughing your once judgmental, narrow-minded, self-absorbed ass off; laughter, actually begins to lift your spirits to the situation, removing toxins and releasing endorphins abound. It may just bring about feelings of empathy, association, insight and understanding.
Then, refreshingly, enlightenment and realization sets in. The healing can now begin. On we go.
One specific time I remember my husband and I standing at the foyer, verbal blame and finger-pointing back and forth for a good five minutes, I swear, we both lost track of what exactly we were even fighting about. There we are now a few steps further into the kitchen, both standing firm and obstinate in our godforsaken convictions with hands and arms going up and down as if we were two orchestra conductors at the head of our anger management class and still striving to out-do the other with a not so classy ass-showing contest. It was about thirty seconds into the kitchen’s berating that we literally started saying the exact same thing about the other: “that only make sense in your head!” “no your head!”, “no, your head!”…. after about three of these, we did something most confusing to any outsider and rather odd to ourselves: brace yourself now….we both busted out laughing, and I mean gut-holding laughing at ourselves, each other, the crazy and animated performance we had just given and laughing at the sheer fact that in the heated argument, here we are…. laughing. Together…now holding one another. Laughing at our idiot selves.
I reported this precise event to our therapist at the time; after sitting there listening intently to me paint the scary and exhausting picture of the scene, which he sat still for the entire time – really, I think he was afraid to move seeing how heated and nuts this man makes me even when simply explaining our arguments…Mr. Therapist was yes, a little bit petrified in his frozen stature, but intrigued nonetheless. It was at the end of my most frustrating, yet colorful narrative that he finally, slowly took a few seconds to let the change of tone set in and he said these words: “Then….there’s still hope.(?)” and I put the question mark in captions as I’m still not quite sure to this day, if he was asking me a question – because it rather seemed to me at the time, that he was making a statement. And you know, now that I think about it, I kinda feel jipped as I wasn’t given a definitive response to my plight; really, what exactly was the co-pay for? Regardless, I like to think he was taking a grand and righteous tone, and his comment was to proclaim the outcome of two souls and their ability to coexist. “There’s still hope”, said he.
In reverence for hope and the confusion of finality, (I’ve been approached with of recent); yes, in this light of conflicting modes, spirit and moods of two most diverse outcomes….I give you: black and white. The sweet contrast of my favorite dessert, maybe because of the diversity in it all: dark/light, reflective/absorbent, warm/cold, negative/positive. The most glorious yet simple dessert out of the late-night kitchen of sinful satisfaction: Vanilla Ice Cream with Rich Hot Fudge…..running amuck over all the sick and sticky, sweet and fattening metaphors of desire to fill a hole in the vast void of my emotional comic strip life. A little something I like to fall back on for comfort and utter fulfillment – the sweet love of food, I give you … Love and Loss – á la mode. 😉
Effect…
Pray tell what I have done I life
Merit captivating gift…
Speak alone amongst thyself
Love o’ my heart doth thy shift.
My sweet, to love endearing mind
Of seldom patience hath…
To not withhold such anxious fleets
My heart captured to depths.
This love thy seal inside my heart
‘tis nothing like before…
So pray I must to keep you near
And hold you ever more.
I Want To Empathize, Really I do…
I’ve come to find over the past couple of years, that, what we fret most over are the things we cannot change. Things we say are happening to us, aren’t actually manifesting inside of us: it’s only an event transpiring in, or close to our life, but really, nothing physical is happening to us. The stress and heartache we experience is completely the self-inflicted torture we generate ourselves by our reactions to these seemingly unfortunate events.
I can compare a like situation in a movie recently viewed: a married couple of eleven years are faced with a situation where the husband is tempted by a young, active yoga-instructor and eventually ends up sleeping with her going on to start a relationship with her while still married to his wife. He comes to his wife and tells her he’s slept with someone else (commendable, but mmm…maybe discuss that little bit of information prior to acting in the future. Thanks hon…smile-wink). The wife’s reply is of course, dead on as to what many may portray in their feelings of hurt, shock, betrayal and confusion; however, it’s a moment when the outside viewer is watching this, void of the obvious depth of the wife’s hurt. I mean, I was like shoving my face with Tostitos, had to stop and say, “Oh, wait, what?”, “Right, you tell him!” back to my homemade nachos with the most fattening sour cream a cow could ever contribute.
I realized that although this event in life, is one of the most horrible experiences one might endure in a relationship, I still didn’t feel like dying as I would have had it been myself hearing such news. Why is that? For no other reason than; I’m not taking it personally. I wasn’t the one left out of my husband’s passionate throws and steamy sex. “Sucks to be you babe…” was really all I could come up with. Badly as I want to cheer for her in keeping her cool, yet cry for her because we’ve all been there – I didn’t get all fired up, want to beat the living shit out of his truck, or imprint his face with my diamond ring – (seriously, it’s a gorgeous rock. I’d hate to chip it) simply because, it did not affect me.
In that, we must all remember that if ever in a like situation: it’s not happening to us. The event is causing us no damage. The only damage and turmoil we may endure after the initial blow of such a shock, will be self-created, reactionary effect that we manifest ourselves. We can choose to blow up and question our attributes as to why such a thing would happen in our marriage or relationship; however, these taxing and exhausting thoughts are futile. Not one thing we say, pin it on, use to excuse or blame is going to make a difference in the following days, weeks, months and years to come.
oh, and fyi: this is simply a comparison to how we all might fare better if we removed ourselves from events that did not even involve us. My husband did not sleep with his Yoga instructor.
It was his personal trainer.
(JK!) They didn’t sleep together either. I mean, would you really call that sleeping? (Again, just joking)
not really.
joking – ok. really this time.
++++
Kind words always bring about kindness.
Crying leads to puffy eyes.
Eating half of a chocolate cake past midnight leads to…..um, well three extra pounds by morning, but don’t worry – you’ll lose them quickly when your bowels realize the torture you’ve inflicted upon them.
Dinner alone with your Labrador leads to having someone drool next to you while eyeing your dish. Sadly, here, your dish is the Chicken Provocal and the someone drooling is your loyal friend.
**sigh & pouty smile**
The Romantic and Intoxicating Sense of Taste
Romantic, in that the combination of diverse tastes and the symbolic nature of unity comes with much effort to bring many senses together.
Garlic, being the most influential element in this most tasty, satisfying and hearty appetizer – the appetizer sometimes good enough all on its own to leave you content in needing nothing more; garlic, can exude a subtle overtaking and infiltration of persuasion. Should there be an over abundance of the culminating flavor: garlic, notwithstanding the strength and influence of this taste – the element bringing and binding all together – would most unknowingly disqualify the pleasure of taste, and might just overpower the sense of simple, available, and complimentary sustenance.
Classic Italian Bruschetta: Classic in a way that reflects the measures of tradition – the ties that bind. This recipe of a tried and true combination of ingredients, preparation, and modes in which we combine all complimentary elements – come together in various strengths, subtleties, potencies and textures. All of which reflecting their true nature – without stifling, concealing or abolishing.
Yes, it’s all metaphoric digs. No, you probably won’t get it. Yes, it makes me feel better. 🙂
From The Shore
Flagler Beach, Florida
Morning Light…
Hues awaken to the softest of light,
come more vivid the day as do most stunning memories of the night…
Adored, content, totally enveloped you leave the darkness,
come now yearning and longing once again, this day…
the pains of which inflict such desire are graciously endured –
rise the sun in the temperance fate.
This morning’s CT scan: I would rather be attacked by a rabid dog than experience this again. Even with my refusing contrast (IV of Iodine, or drinking barium) it was still hard to get through. I have a hard time sitting still as it is, but add the “hold your breath, keep your arms above your head, just lay still, don’t move, ignore the clanking, humming noises” (that sound like you’re about to be sucked up into an alien spacecraft, about to spontaneously combust, or slowly guided down into a wood chipper making noise like it just ingested a Model-T Ford. ( I had to keep checking to make sure this scenario was not happening).
I tell you, no amount of meditation, distracting your mind, or happy thoughts were doing it for me towards the end. I think what actually helped me most was remembering my four year old son, was on the other side of the door sitting so well in a chair waiting on me, while he held his hoodie jacket, looking all handsome to the ladies working there…saying to them while thumbing his hand towards the chamber door… “yeah,my mom’s getting fried in there”. “Let me know when she’s smoking, ’cause I want to see that”!
Right. So I don’t care what anyone says about radiation – I FELT IT. I must be more super-sensitive than I thought, I knew the MRI was bad with the tugging and pushing, pressure and pulling sensations (Lord, God) I seriously thought I’d come out looking like the Elephant Man or Scar Face…but the technician assured me, the CT is “just radiation”, but in massive amounts. Great. I’m sorry: “just radiation”? Like,”just” mayonaise, or “just” a scratch? So, I’m wondering how to detox and ground my body today… holistically remove the bad energy (literally) from myself…any thoughts?
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